i am actually so tired--of myself more than aything else. 

2 May '25

realized something yesterday. no matter how hard uve tried to be on the right path, how consistent uve been, how persistent how steadfast — in the end you are still a mere weak human being who needs God ALL the time, every second every minute every breath u take every decision, because whos to say that you wont ever sin again.

18 May '25

too far gone i am. life is so full of temptations and God knows how tempting they r God knows me better than i do. need to be more conscious and fight against these empty feelings in passing. superficial, frivolous satisfaction

get out there, touch some grass, the real world is out there!!!! 

19 May '25

tomorrow is Monday. i just hope i can get thru it with ease. also, wake up atiqah ure not 12 anymore

2 June '25

i dont know how much longer or deeper im gonna fall into this void but i cant keep up much longer. get back on my feet i must but i lack the strength i keep saying God help me but i am now finding that too repetitive & not thT im questioning my constant need of God but why am i not helping myself first. i suck so bad, God help me :(

4 June '25

free me, i am trapped in my own laziness (?) or is it just the lack of drive

21 June '25

22 June '25

30 June '25 #1

30 June '25 #2

in the end i am still stuck as long as im in this dunya i am stuck but my legs will keep kicking out of this mess of a glue ive made between the soles of my feet n the unreal concrete because i need to be released relieved n rescued. i need out, continuous outs towards my Creator

30 July '25

26 Sept '25

29 Sept '25

grounding

im sure at this point its jusg the same thing over and over again

the same cycle of me slipping and returning, but the thing is, i only return when im in trouble, when i need help, when im down, thats when i panic and remember that i have been slipping away. im like a fish with a hook stuck in my throat and only when i stray too far do i realize just how painful life is. and so i return. or attempt to. i know God is ever so merciful and although i am doubting my sincerity and whatever this feeling is; i shall not lose hope in Allah and His guidance. my heart just feels so wmpty, and numb. and i feel like i am floating. unlike before. where i was so motivated and content and hopeful. now i am just drained and on autopilot 90% of the time. slip, return, zombie, happy? sad? upset? tired? i dont even know how to feel now. its all just foggy.

4 Oct '25

8 Oct '25

i am a broken record, a wheel that is much too aware of its perpetual state of spinning, a restless mind and an overworked body, a thing of a nightmare, right now i m not where i want to be, this is not how i want to feel and please God definitely dont let this be my end state

9 Oct '25

if its real, i'll stay. because right now, i just need to be protecting my peace a little harder than usual. i was already slipping and flailing and gasping for air, when u came along dragging me deeper into the water. u may have forgotten the taste of fresh air— may have been too comfortable in the water completely unaware of the absence of gills and the expiry date of your lungs but i have. i have tasted it and i cant afford to let it go. not again. not again. not deeper in. i cant afford to sink deeper

11 Oct '25

sometimes i just get too hyper aware of the little bubbles we are all living in. we get all excited following trends but who r we performing for? mostof us have had a targeted audience for what we r showcasing — in our own confined little bubbles. i come across strangers profiles from way across the world & im struck by the profound realisation that this person is living in their own reality in their own little bubble. everyone is. ive always known & realised it early on in my life that i need to constantly get out of this unreal world inside of me head— built by the chaos and impure noises accompanying my just as unreal life since the beginning of time—bcs there is an absolute reality out there. there is the truth. but this bubble is too encompassing and blinding, and its more like a balloon really, the walls are thicker than we thought. we may have noticed it before when it was just a mere thin layer of bubble matter, and really. what harm could a few more hours off the ground bring? a few more hours the walls start to thicken and taking shape of an elastic bouncy ball. its gonna take a lot more effort to break through, but a balloon is still a balloon. it can pop. wish me luck.

13 Oct '25

efleksi hari ini: alhamdulilah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah for all of Allah’s blessings and all of the times that I am reminded of His blessings, when I am reminded of him, the little tugs at my heart that pull me towards Him, for every redirection of my life’s purpose towards pleasing Him. none of these moments would exist if it werent for His mercy and so first and foremost. alhamdulillah for the Most Merciful Lord. He knows just what I need and what is best for me—and me? I know nothing at all.

15 Oct '25

mimosa pudica

God. i dint know what this is. but i have been feeling so so so numb and unmotivated lately. i am like on autopilot. i worked on the weekend tirelessly, and now i am just. so drained. and i cant even be excited for korea. i cant even think straight. i am just too numb and ive been overthinking about a lot of things, avoided so many people. and i know the cure for this. i just need to get closer to You. i just need to return and return and return. but all of these noises are too loud and numbing, and i am floating with my face down drowning even i cant get back up i cant stop my bad hahits i cant think straight i cant focus because its all over the place. ya Allah please help me

1 Nov '25

9 Nov '25

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she steps on another one this morning - soft, defeated underfoot. a thing of an orange. a persimmon, or what once was one. it looks like guts, or a smashed up heart, only a tad too ripened for its own good. what used to be alive, now...just rotting matter

it bursts like guilt, its pulp clinging to the pavement in a patient, glistening ache. she stands there a while, watching the slow spread of the thick flesh between the cracks, clinging onto the nooks the way sins seep into memory. the air smells faintly sweet, almost apologetic, like something that wants to be forgiven but didnt know where to begin, or couldnt

there was a time that she would have seen meaning in this—would have whispered a prayer, her heart full of contentment and gratitude as she would lift her gaze to the sky, thoughts of her Lord filling her heart. now she just keeps walking, somewhere she stil remembers, but she brushes it off and drifts off, her shoe tacky with residue. the stickiness follows her through the day, each step reminding her that even the small, soft things resist being ignored

inside, her mind is a room with all the windows closed. the air thick with unspoken prayers, half-remembered verses, the voice she keeps silencing. she tells herself shes tired. that the world is too loud. that her Lord will understand if she just sleeps a little longer, hides a little deeper in the covers

but some nights, when she turns off the light, she can feel Him still waiting—not angry, not gone—just quietly there, like a heartbeat she forgot she had. the ache is too much. 

and in that quiet yet messy dark, before the next morning’s even messier noise, she swears she can smell persimmons again: ripe, ruined, yet unbearably alive

---

 love, romance, and the lot

“youre such a prude!”

jk what was said to me was

“omg you ni sangatlaaaa innocent!”

upon hearing that ive never had a boyfriend before. i disagree, but thats not the point. anis is trying to matchmake me with his friend who is interested. and now im reminded of why i am still single. it takes too much effort, but maybe thats bc hes not the right person? i dont know, its too early to tell yet thats the only thing i could think about ever since she called me up to ask if i would like to get to know her friend. i started off feeling indifferent and now im probably overthinking about it more than the person who was interested in the first place. this note is proof. i cant ever be nonchalant about this icky sappy romantic stuff. i feel like im either trying too hard or not enough, and when the other loses interest its always my fault. i always blame it on me. it doesnt matter if i was not that into them or if it started off as just me “giving him a chance”, because once it starts its all i can think about and im always worried about them not liking me anymore. i would drive myself a little crazy waiting for the never coming or late texts, i would constantly feel like i could be prettier than this. its sickening. truth is, its easy to make the relationship stick. the guy just needs to be more interested in me. more into me. on a second thought… u know what. honestly theres no rule, its just my mind spiralling and attempting to find meanings in the littlest acts. to find a reason as to why my chat was left opened. a reason for them only looking for me when its almost bedtime. a reason for every petty response, every slight change in tone, in behaviour, in eye contact frequency. in all these superficial interactions. my mind is playing tricks on me, no, syaitan is. and i let it. i wont let it this time. i will stay true to myself, my purpose, my peace. i will guard my peace, my connection with God, my true calling, my purpose. i will not let something as petty take up such significant mental and emotional space, not something like this, not when i have a much bigger issue to care for (my relationship with God and this ever fluctuating nature of my iman as of late, this back and forth of being God conscious and drowning in dunya). so anis, thank you for the matchmaking. now i will let God. this does not define me, this shall not be my life or my world. its easy to write this all down, compartmentalize. truth is, i am still thinking about this. and i havent even started dissecting on the halal haram of it all, the blessing in whats to come. how do i make it clear that im not looking for casual, neither is he i hope. but we are both busy working adults and the only way we can get to know each other is through late night texting of random questions and conversations. on weekdays that is. maybe i can do this in a better way, ill figure it out. maybe he will come to kl to meet up. i just want him to know that he doesnt need to try too hard to be somebody he thinks i would like/be attracted to, because i dont want feelings that arise from acts and artificial fronts. truthfully im not worried about this bc i can always tell if someone is being genuine or not. i hope i can be myself because thats what i want from him too. to be himself and let me decide whether hes right for me and vise versa. what i would like/be attracted to is nothing more than kindness, softness of heart, sincerity in loving me but first and foremost, loving God. because i realise this ups and downs of iman is a constant, and something i think about on the daily, something i need to work on constantly—until im buried six feet under, until my heart stops beating and blood stays stagnant, until the very deceiving nature of this dunya collapses, and like a blanket being lifted off my face, i will then realise just how fake everything was—and having a lifetime partner of the same value and struggle and one thats willing to take this hand and work on it together, on pleasing Allah as much as we are capable, reminding each other of our true purpose and absolute reality. there is no reality, only Allah.  everything else is a manifestation of His will—including our existence and naturally our soul tie if that is to happen, and all that we know of, all of it. everything—well, there is nothing to come out of this note. just me rambling, a somewhat futile attempt of trying to unpack these knots and thoughts in my heart and my mind, now that a man has entered my life, and my life is changing again. 

---

 i keep digging

and digging

the hole in my head isnt even a hole, not really 

just a soft spot that feels wrong when my soft fingers brush over it

but i dig anyway

my nails hook into dried skin - scrape, tear, guide it through strands of hair just as dry 

blood spurts out quick and embarrassed

like it knows it shouldnt be there

im disgusted

im disgusting

the blood always dries too soon

and my fingers never wait — they claw back in, automatic, like some broken machine programmed to “repeat”

i dont even think about it anymore

i just dig, peel, dig again

my heart sinks like im aware yet my fingers flick all the same

dig again

soon my fingernails go, one by one, bending back

showing little pink n red crescents in them

head burning always the brightest after every successful bit of skin turned inside out 

completely off my head

doesnt matter. i keep going. 

thats the worst part- im not even sure what im looking for

maybe the bottom, maybe nothing

maybe just a quiet space inside the hole where everything finally stops

maybe this time the pain from the water hitting my head will be too unbearable even for a grotesque monster like me

maybe soon the flakes i collect inside a little plastic bag wont hold

maybe then i will realise

but by then it will be too late

head is an orange she cant stop peeling

---

 

---

---

and so it happens again, the turning of another chapter, or at least thats what they call it, the passage of time suggesting movement, suggesting change, but no, its all just the same to me. the same unrelenting cycle i can never break free of- a rise, a fall, this ceaseless pendulum of better, worse, better, worse- an endless oscillation that leaves one not with hope nor the promise of transformation but with the slow erosion of certainty, because theres nothing more certain than this return to what i thought id left behind. and i know this, God knows this, no one else does, and perhaps no one else needs to, because this is mine and mine alone to overcome. my own forgetting and remembering- and thats just the worst of it, not just the failing, but the forgetting, the slipping away of the very resolve that had once burned with conviction, only to fade into the grayness of resignation, and i am so tired of it

tired of forgetting

sick of giving in

i must overcome

bcs what is left if not the struggle itself, what else is there if not the attempt? however doomed, however futile, to pull this self free?

but even this, even this struggle, what is it if not the failure to love, not myself, no, i am not concerned with that, it is not myself that i wish to love per se, but God, and yet how can one say they love God if they do not live as though they do, if every moment, every action, every breath is weighed down by the knowledge that they are failing, not in the grand, dramatic way of the truly lost, but in the slow, banal, unbearable way of those who know what is right yet turn away from it all the same? its easy to say that i care, i would like to say that i am trying, but im not even sure about that either. is this really what it means to fight? or is this merely drifting, floating in that nameless, weightless space again, the place that i have always hated, and yet here i am again, though i swore i would never return?

theres a verse, a warning, a condemnation They forgot God, so He made them forget themselves and what greater terror is there than this, this unraveling, this quiet undoing of the self, not through catastrophe, not through some grand and violent reckoning, but through the slow erosion of purpose, the gradual fading of what was once clear, and so i ask, i plead, let me not be among them, let me not slip away unnoticed even to myself, let me not wake one day to find that ive become nothing, that i have lost even the will to ask for help, because it is only to You that i ask for help, it is only to You that i turn, for there is nowhere else to go.

---

I wrote Lunar approximately a year ago. When i first started to feel distant from Allah, when my life was all filled with meaningless acts, actually, being mindful is easy, once u get the hang of it. once you start and persevere, its easy to stay focused and mindful. it was the deliberate act of not being mindful, that started this downfall for me. that single decision, small yet, i am smaller. what a joke, to be smaller than my bad decision, than my nafs, to have no control over my mind. when ifirst decided to listen to music agin, when i first started to leave the sunnah prayers, when i first started to sleep through tahajjud, when i first started to skip my daily quran, when i first started to make the worldly life an occupier of mind longer than it should have been, shouldnt have been one at all. i am a broken record. i want God to helpme but I cant even help myself. i am weak i am hopeless, i am ungrateful, i am forgetful, i am full- i fill my stomach to the brim, i sleep too much, i talk about others, i put God out of my mind sometimes, i am in a bubble. ive always lived in a bubble, id like to think that id popped out of it once, and it has somehow managed to wrap me back inside. i am not alone in this, that is to say,well, God is always there, and it is through His Mercy that i am not yet lost, no i wouldnt hope so, for the sake of Allah. I need You Yaa Allah Yaa Rabbi Yaa Rahman Yaa Rahim. Yaa Rahman Yaa Rahim </3

---

 Palestine will be free

& a lil something to keep me sane thru all the madness;

---

too gold and too still to be true

as if its holding its breath to stay illuminating and say,

here i am

and here will i stay still

so that a child in the backseat of a moving car may challenge it to a race

his dainty finger pointing to the suspended orb,

look! i wonder which of us will get there first

he will soon learn of its perpetual presence

for its orbit —as long as the universe stands— would never allow it to stray far

a golden globe whose body we shall only be permitted to see a single face of

a discarded yolk singled out by a picky eater

distant

what do i know about distant? oh trust me i know alright 

i have been distant for quite a while

too long for my own good

i cant seem to retrace my steps back to the contentment, the warmth of that blanket of love and tranquility

cant i? or do i just not want to?

and what could make me reject the most perfect way to live

the antidote for this poisoned heart darkening more and more as empty days go by,

an empty day is what started it all 

unfilled, that is— brimming but rather with meaningless and thoughtless acts

a paradox of its own, what a mess that is!

emptymindedemptyheadedemptydays

flip, flip, flip, or was it tick! tick! tick!? 

the days went by fast (perhaps it was swoosh! swoosh! swoosh!) 

as i perfectly knew they would 

but i was living way too intensely in each 24 hours, i was looking forward to nothing at all

but yeah, like i said, i knew

i always do

feeling good requires the collective effort

of the mind, heart and body

a continuous reminder and constant remembrance

of The Merciful Maker

who told the night sphere to be

and is too, always telling us,

here I am

and here will I stay still

for my servants who look

but unlike with the creation, there doesn’t need to be any distance

don’t you get it? 

return, return to your Lord

seek true happiness, seek everlasting repose

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