Palestine will be free

& a lil something to keep me sane thru all the madness;

too gold and too still to be true

as if its holding its breath to stay illuminating and say,

here i am

and here will i stay still

so that a child in the backseat of a moving car may challenge it to a race

his dainty finger pointing to the suspended orb,

look! i wonder which of us will get there first

he will soon learn of its perpetual presence

for its orbit —as long as the universe stands— would never allow it to stray far

a golden globe whose body we shall only be permitted to see a single face of

a discarded yolk singled out by a picky eater

distant

what do i know about distant? oh trust me i know alright 

i have been distant for quite a while

too long for my own good

i cant seem to retrace my steps back to the contentment, the warmth of that blanket of love and tranquility

cant i? or do i just not want to?

and what could make me reject the most perfect way to live

the antidote for this poisoned heart darkening more and more as empty days go by,

an empty day is what started it all 

unfilled, that is— brimming but rather with meaningless and thoughtless acts

a paradox of its own, what a mess that is!

emptymindedemptyheadedemptydays

flip, flip, flip, or was it tick! tick! tick!? 

the days went by fast (perhaps it was swoosh! swoosh! swoosh!) 

as i perfectly knew they would 

but i was living way too intensely in each 24 hours, i was looking forward to nothing at all

but yeah, like i said, i knew

i always do

feeling good requires the collective effort

of the mind, heart and body

a continuous reminder and constant remembrance

of The Merciful Maker

who told the night sphere to be

and is too, always telling us,

here I am

and here will I stay still

for my servants who look

but unlike with the creation, there doesn’t need to be any distance

don’t you get it? 

return, return to your Lord

seek true happiness, seek everlasting repose

its 2:35 pm, started eating to procrastinate on work, now im writing this post to procrastinate on lunch

just another friday, but not one that hasnt been tugging at my heart since morning

specifically since alia gave me a call. its not our first call ever since we parted but i guess today im extra emotional. i have never said it since doing so would make it official and feel strange and would only make it harder for me, but now that i couldnt care less for reciprocation, im realizing that i might be missing chik teas more than i thought i would be, more than i could admit to;;;;

dreading, longing, im way out of my comfort zone - melbourne just feels less and less like home. though it has always occurred to me how out of place and alien this city is (to be fair in comparison to kl) and how i could never in a million years imagine it a place id want to reside & settle in, 

its not home

it is just worse without alia, anis and shida. 

its not home

its not just where i am literally, this foreignness not only sourced from the ever more strangeness of the city i now find myself quite alone in but also more from the phase of life im still stuck in whence all my peers are moving on into adulthood. this gap between us, its uncomfortable yet profound way of saying-

ure not where ure supposed to be

I imagine home is not just a place, but also a state of being, of existing, a phase of life even

im not home

home is where my loved ones are, not just literally but also figuratively, where i am does not feel like home. its strange, isolating, restless. madness. i guess i am just homesick, and somehow have managed to complicate my feelings yet again. adiossssssssssss

ill never shut up about how growing up sucks. big time. looking back at my old posts on this blog i realsed how i am always worried about growing up, big changes in life, transitions into say, another supposedly advanced phase of life, hell, i dont even know why i feel like reiterating pretty much the same feelings id written over and over before in yet another fresh post. i dont know what the point of this post is. or any of it really. ive got my 2016 replay playlist on– songs of my spm days, basically. ive been brought back into classroom 512 in mrsm taiping at several points in my listening. its so fucking sad really, to realise how long ago that was, how far away 2016 was–unreachable. to realise where i am now. its big, i should be grateful to still be alive, to have achieved what i achieved, to have met so many new friends, to have journeyed this far. but oh. the morose, to think that in a blink of an eye, i will probably change a great deal, nothing will be as it is now–if im still alive that is. everything keeps changing, so fast at that and all i want is to just pause and close my eyes, even for just a while, to rehat

bro(me), its 2 am and ure dwelling too deep into smething that isnt that great a deal, its something everyone else experiences as well, and it sure as hell is not exclusive to u. so stop, stop thinking about it, dont complicate life any more than this and go to bed. 

ure right ill just go to bed. its as good a rest as any can get 

i am so scared, scared that i will be disappointed and brokenhearted over another worldy matter, scared that i might be, yet again, deprived of what my heart wishes for because lately that has been happening a lot to me and as painful as each time was, i did try my best to accept all that befell me – that was the opposite of what i had prayed for – i did my best ya Allah so please the Most Almighty and All Powerful, for just this one wish of mine, i pray that for this one wish of mine be granted for me, let it be the best. for whatever course of life is upon me, let this one wish of mine being granted be the best for me. just this one

for i have always prayed that You bless me with whatever is best for me

but for what is to come; i shall always – as i have trained myself n reminded myself of on multiple occasions as of late – remember that:

ol' lady in question is me, and whats the rush, i ought to pause for a while and ask myself the big Q,

whats the rush

as it turns out, the ending of uni life is much more daunting, scary, anxiety-inducing than what i'd anticipated

except, it is not quite the end yet for me, as i still have another semester to go, as i failed one of my core subjects and need to extend my studies for another semester which means another 6 months or so in Australia, without chik tea :c without my peers (i do have other friends, my juniors around ... but welp, it is still gonna feel a little lonely). 

humans are complicated creatures, we cant stay still, when we have too much free time we ought to get lost – some might even go crazy – somewhere in our mind we search for things to do yet our bodies remain as static as a statue because unmotivated is also what we are

i am scared for whats to come. even now, i only have one paper left (mind you; it is tomorrow) i am well prepared tho – i have studied hard and well – i shall give myself some pats on the back. its all i can afford 

but even now, i am engulfed with the overwhelming despair of not having much to do and feeling so bored i may just go cuckoo. reading thousands of pages of literature or walking thousands of steps or spending more money than i can afford to or sleeping for days or trying to not set my house on fire attempting to produce baked treats or scrolling miles and miles away on tiktok, on instagram, on twitter, or staring at the screen for hours trying to decide what to watch on Netflix or meeting up with friends or – idk, the list goes on, but they just wont cut it for me. i am still bored as hell.

well i guess scared isnt quite the right word for it, i guess i just dread it, not knowing or having anything to do, makes me question really

what is my life?

is this all there is to it, study, eat, sleep? is that it? and now that i only need to study for one paper - i freak out, i can totally feel myself losing it. 

these days i feel myself more prone to making impulsive choices to combat the boredom that is killing me, be not surprised if i suddenly decide to go back to Malaysia in a week or so

hopefully i wont have to, i hope id have something to do

i want to get a part-time job, in the unfortunate event that all my internship applications were rejected

i hope whatever befalls me, i am able to face, with patience & the mind of a true believer of God. Allah help me. to be honest, more thoughts r pouring out but i am just gonna pause here, because there should be no rush. no rush at all, take it slow and let it be. 

i anticipate that this would be a long post, since i do tend to word vomit whenever i am overwhelmed and to say that i am at this moment would honestly be an understatement. a lot of things have happened for the past month, a lot of new things for me, really. i guess with everything thats been happening and with my inability to really control things around me, i broke down again last night. i have never felt so helpless but last night as i lay in bed, everything all at once just came gushing over me. i realized how i am just like a little boat floating in a big sea, whereas most of my life its calm, there are and will be days where ill be pushed around by the waves of life unable to really stop myself to breathe, where i am as helpless as a baby. no matter how happy things seem to me, how great my life seemingly is, my mind keeps gravitating towards the darker ends, where i am primarily numb, and i am greatly washed by this helpless feeling again, like a little boat with no control over my life. i saw a video of mizz nina the other day, she said something along the lines of how as a believer, there is always something happening to us, always. there is not a single thing that happens to us for no reason at all, Allah is always trying to teach us something, to help us grow into a better muslim depending on how we react to it. even in the quran itself, Allah asks if we think we would be left alone once we say "we believe" without being tested? life is always testing us, but like a little boat, i am sometimes lost and forget how big the sea is, not just the sea, the earth really, the winds that govern every motion, ripple, wave of the deep sea, the moon even, that pulls the tide with its gravity, the world is so vast out there, and i am but a little boat. i cried because i just felt so numb and overwhelmed by the vastness of the universe that keeps pushing me around when i am already on the verge of giving up on holding back its push, on standing strong because i am done. i cried because i hate how i choose to not do anything about it, i cried because i realized how i always choose to just let it be, i am okay with life "pushing" me around without me really stopping to think "what is life teaching me?"

most times i just shrug it off, because as a little boat boat, i feel it futile to keep pushing in these unforgiving waves. i cried because i realized how i am always okay with giving up when deep down i know i never should

for starters, i failed a subject which requires me to stay back and extend my course for another semester. when all my friends are graduating by the end of the year. when i saw my results its almost like i was numb, it felt too dazy or maybe i just didnt want to believe it so i pretended it wasnt real for a while. i just stared at the astounding "NH" in complete silence for a couple minutes before it started to hit me that this was just too stinky to not be real and i just started wailing like crazy my housemates probably didnt know what to do. i feel like i have never really failed anything in life and was never prepared for it..and having only myself to blame, everything is just too overwhelming and scary and going too fast

i need a break

but what can i do? its too late, just another moment of me letting myself drown in the waves of life. i guess eventually i stopped thinking, stopped feeling, stopped crying, stopped trying, i had no mental space for these, it was too much

i wanted 2022 to be different, i had visions, i was going to graduate, get prettier, find a boyfriend maybe, secure a job

BUT what did i get??? 2022 hasnt ended, but this past month has been bad enough i feel like its magitude could have been spread out no? ahaha but no, in just a couple weeks, i failed an exam, got my first heartbreak, stopped finding joy in the things i used to love, it feels like i have nothing to look forward to now

and why do i care so much, its life, its supposed to be full of trials, some like these i suppose

and i should be strong

it should teach me something

i should learn from it

i hope i do someday, because right now, i just wanna stop for a while. let the waves

it doesnt have to be this way, but the mental strength it takes to redirect the course of my life right now may just be out of my capability, at the moment, at least. i pray i can be stronger and more conscious, because, this too shall pass.

be strong, atiqah, everything is and will be alright

so much for being 23, to think that there is still in me that angst, envy, drama loving mind of a 14 year old

a rotten heart that can only assume the worst of others

a tongue so sharpened only waiting to be dipped in the blackest ink to spit out the ugliest words about friends and enemies alike

a mind so miserable that i constantly choose to ignore my desperate conscience

just basking in negativities, relentlessly, until im too blind to discern the dimming heart that is aching for just a little bit of light, a little bit of strength, just a little bit before it is too late, before she is no longer

just pitch black.

like a black hole that engulfs anything and everything, good or bad, what even is the difference anymore

tonight im just an emotional wreck. its 2022 and we can merely go forward from here, theres no going back, no matter how deeply u long for the warmth & comfort of the old times, of your carefree childhood days, of those happy, always smiling, no incomplete family members days, :( i was just browsing thru old photos which i have been doing a lot lately (by a lot i mean an unhealthy amount), and theres really no words out there to describe the despair that i get from it, its such?? a ?? powerless feeling, not being able to relive those days, u cant get them back, they can only get farther and farther, and soon enough ull even forget about them, which i suppose is whats supposed to happen naturally, for good reasons, as ive learnt, for having those photos around– to keep reminding me of what a life ive had, and how happy we were, how happy i was– is probably the worse option. and its not like im upset now, but its different. i miss those days when everyone was always home, we were always together. 

i've had my phone on do not disturb for days, ive rarely been using it despite it being the only mode of communication with family back home. I've missed a few calls, not deliberately, but my phone doesn't ring so i don't notice. i started putting it on silent bc i wanted to save my battery, but i got distant, and never bothered to turn the crescent sign back off, to call anyone back,

i find it difficult. too much effort, too much forethought for my cloudy and tangled mind. 

ive lost myself again, haven't i. 

aah its difficult to explain, has it always been so energy intensive? to keep up with the world, to keep communicating, or have i truly lost it, all the motivation and sanity to be a decently working human. i think im broken. im stuck in the one place i loathe the most, my mind. i hate it. but getting out of it requires too much energy which i dont possess anymore, i cant remember exactly when it happened, probably around the time i was bombarded with the most assignments lmao not surprising at all. 

its so crazy, funny almost, how these thoughts will never ever truly leave me for good. i can never be truly okay, i long for repose but ive learnt that it was not meant for me, not in this world at least. im tired of it, of being tired, of my mind constantly descending into darkness. i keep going astray, and to whom shall i turn to when my mind isnt being kind to me? on whom shall i rely when i cant even trust myself. Lord, only to You, i know. only on You. i cant keep doing this, i dont know what else i should do, i dont know why im always feeling empty, no matter how hard i try, no matter how many times i have to deceive myself, no matter.

was i always meant for this world? am i just making excuses for being weak, am i a spoiled brat who refuses to be at peace? am i doing this on purpose???????? maybe i am just a brat, wouldnt surprise me.

yesterday i finally read all the whatsapp messages in the family group chat, i finally saw all the pictures my family sent me, gosh how i long to be with them, i find it so tiresome that i have convinced myself that i can only be happy when im with family but even so, why have i intentionally kept myself distant from them ? and i found out that it only took 1 missed call for me to be forgotten. hahah shut up, atiqah, ure sick.  

i dont know, i hate myself for feeling this way. i hope i get better someday, truly, i hope i get better and these thoughts never come back. i should call my family.

macam kerbau, macam robot,

entah, at this point i see no difference, adakah aku ni mudah dipijak, or am i just pushing myself too hard? 

entah lah, at this point, aku malas. malas nak fikir, malas nak lawan, malas nak marah, heck, nak menangis pun tak ada masa

i take a shower, cleanse my tears in the only place no one could hear

i look in the mirror, i try, but a smile just won't do, all i feel is pity

and thats the second tear of the day 

i wasnt expecting today to go the way it went, i mean, what was that pink sky all about? huh, i guess i still dread living, who wouldnt, if the meaning of life was today, but wait,its not, and it will never be today. i guess thats something to look forward to, but i dread, i dread the todays that i can foresee coming. but no, life is not a series of todays (!!!!!!!!)

i make my wudu and start to pray, 

i am just a humble servant, and life is a test itself, i remind myself as i recite al fatihah

'only to You i serve, and only to You i ask for help'

only to You i ask for help...

i start reciting al insyirah, 

with difficulties come ease, 

third tear

i realise how feeble i am, and how human i am

i am a human...

not a robot, not a kerbau

although today sure does make me feel like a kerbau

mungkin ini hanya another ujian, untuk mengingatkan aku pada kesusahan hidup, pada tuhan, 

mungkin ini hanya satu peluang, untuk aku bersabar, kerana tuhan suka pada yang sabar

maka aku akan sabar, i will try

sebab aku mahu tuhan suka pada aku

aku mahu tuhan suka pada aku

maybe one day, when i read this post and remember what it is about

i will think of how dramatic i can be

but right now, i am not dramatic, i am just being human

but i want to be a kind and patient one, one loved by God

and so today, i will smile, i will push through, i will try to be patient,

and so now i grab my kerbau merah thats been chilled in the fridge, and start on my work. or our work. idk, i again, see no difference.

did i awake into a different universe

or was i mistaken in thinking nothing gets better; 

but wake up i did, and everything was pink

gosh, how sinful id been

to not look for God’s wonders in this world 

that it took my whole room to be filled with merah jambu 

for me to bangun. 

Often times, I find myself losing track of life's purpose, leaving myself empty and lost even though I know what is causing it. I've strayed further and further away from God. And often times, it takes great motivation and drive to force myself back onto the right path and acknowledging the purpose of my life in this world. It's not that I don't know why I am feeling this way, empty, unmotivated, lost, purposeless. Somehow it's just SO HARD to get back on track. So every day, I've been forcing myself to watch some islamic videos even though dare I say, most of the times, I don't even feel like it. I'm just so scared that if I ignore my inner conflict and the emptiness that I'm feeling, I may never get back to the state of mind that I was in before, I'm afraid that I would forget God, my true purpose in life, my goals. I'm afraid of straying further than I already am. Even with no motivation in myself, I look forward to our weekly usrah just so I'm reminded of the truth of life. Islam is the truth, God's way is the truth, none of these wordly things would ever matter. None. In the end, we will all return to our one God, Allah. You know, I always pray that I would die in imaan, that when I die, that is when my imaan is at its peak, its highest. Because all my life, it has been a struggle for me to maintain a steady imaan. I know, it's the same for pretty much everybody. Our imaan is always fluctuating, and that is why I know it is possible that I'd lose track again after I'm sure that I'm on God's path (hopefully). Just like this year, I was doing so well for the past few months, now this is going a little personal, but i was doing so well and I could feel it, peace in my heart, i had a purpose, i was motivated, productive, conscious, now I'm just like a living dead. It's so tiring being so unmotivated you know, last night before I went to bed, it just slipped from my mouth, and I told Allah. I told Him, to give me another chance. I could die in my sleep, that sleep could have been my last, it could be my end, no one knows. I knew I've strayed so much up to that point, and if I died right then, I would not have died in the best imaan and I knew that. So I said, 

Ya Allah, please give me another chance. I still want to try, forgive me for not trying my hardest, for letting myself lose to shaaytan this past few weeks but I don't want to die yet. Please ease it for me. 

I woke up alive, and well. Well, I know damn well that when it really is my time to die, there won't be another chance. It would be the end. I just don't want my end to be when I'm like this. Today was a rather gloomy day, it has been raining so hard since morning, and it's freezing, it gives me a chance to be alone with my thoughts in my room, and for some reason, i dont know how to explain it, but I don't feel like im truly lost after all, I was rather productive today, I did my school work, watched some motivating islamic videos on my own will, hadn't listened to any music (ill be honest i listened to bts' new song this morning just bc i was curious and my sister had asked me to but i didnt enjoy it), ate very moderately, and im feeling content. I would not say that this is the best feeling I've ever felt, but it feels like I'm starting to be on the right path again, like Allah has eased it for me. 

All this while, as I was trying my hardest to get back on track while being distracted by a lot of worldly things like music and wordly entertainment, Ive just realised that I never really made a duaa to Allah to ease it for me. No matter how tired I got, I didn't make that duaa, I was distant. But last night, even though I was still distant from Him and I could feel it, I think I was desperate, it just hit me, that, having feeling all this due to being distant from him, having realising that I was astray, how blessed was I that Allah made me feel those things? I think I never made that duaa because I felt like if I did, but never made the effort to get back on track, it would be useless, that would just make me lazy. Truth is, it is never wrong to make duaa, to desperately call out to Allah, to complain to Him, to beg Him, He is my creator after all. He knows what's inside of my heart and all my struggle and my inner conflicts and you know what, in the end I knew that I needed Him. I thank Allah for letting me feel all those things, and for making it easy for me. It has been overwhelming, still a little is, but I think it's not as bad as before. I will continue reminding myself of my purpose in life, and making duaa to Him all the time, because I know I need Him. 

Hola todos! que tal? How has quarantine been treating you? estoy bien lol. Nah, not really. I'll be mixing ingles y espanol en this post porque quiero practicar mi espanol. He estudiado espanol por un ano y i still struggle with it un poco (a lot really). Vale, Ive never really been bien con idiomas pero whatever LOL. I am also confident that mi espanol en this post es muy mal pero, tambien, i dont care HAHA. Lo siento in advance. I havent really been doing well for the past few weeks (or months even?) to be completely honest. Pero, right now at this moment, I feel like its the worst feeling ive ever had. No se how to describe it, cant really put in in words but i feel terrible. Necesito estudiar y catch up con a lot of cosas pero i just cant seem to get myself going? Like, no tengo any energy o motivation to actually do stuff. escribo all this to waste time. Idk, necesito ayuda pero no se como reach out to anyone porque ive always been the type to just keep it all inside. Maybe sometimes I tell mi madre pero i feel so terrible right now no se how to start. Like, que am i going to tell her? Ugh. Whatever, hopefully i will feel better soon. I've also been thinking about Malaysia a LOT these days, maybe i'm just a little homesick ahaha hopefully I'll be able to go back this summer. There's a lot of uncertainty with how things have been lately pero esta bien, God knows best. I'll just pray for the best. Anyway, nothing else to say really so yeah, hasta luego x