Im feeling so down right now...i don't know what to say. Ive been praying and hoping that i would be able to grab this chance for a better future. So...i went to the mara official site to check if my application to mrsm taiping was a success, but...yeah you know what happened. A lot of things have been happening lately. When i went to Dubai all of my classmates told me my results which were 10as and a b i was pretty glad tbh because i knew i did my best. When i came back to Malaysia, i found out it wasnt actually true. I got 9as 1b and 1c. What do you think i felt? Yeah all sorts of negative feelings. I mean it would feel bad to get those results but it feels worse to be having this fake hope in the beginning and then the last thing you knew everything was a lie. I know it made me cry so much after that day i went to get my results. But it showed me that i actually care. And it made me mad because i felt like i havent been doing enough and i expected to have good results with the little effort i gave? It made me so mad. And now, i dont get to go to mara which is what my parents want and i wonder why are things like this happening to me? As if im not down enough life just keeps giving me new challenges. Very funny because i know challenges are what we as muslims live for. My mind was shut when i knew i didnt make it. And then i tried to imagine how itd feel like if i made it. I imagined looking at the results saying otherwise. And then i felt things too. Like i wasnt ready for this, and like how am i going to face this? But for a couple weeks i have been praying to allah that if i do get to go to mrsm, please ease everything especially since im not very used to living far away from home. Actually i am, i used to go to ssp which is an sbp. Speaking of it, I feel like it all makes sense now, perfect sense. I got the opportunity to go to an sbp and i grabbed the chance. But i wasnt thankful enough to Allah. I wasnt happy there. I couldnt cope with the new surrounding which now i feel like i actually could but didnt want to. And now, im miserable. All because of that unthankful feeling of mine back then when i knew not everyone got the chance and i should be grateful and feeling blessed that i got to be one of the pupils that got accepted to sbp. A few minutes ago i was crying, after knowing that i didnt make it. But now im just confused. Should i be crying? It's disappointing and very sudden and unexpected, but do i deserve to cry? I dont dont i. Me not being accepted is the reason why i should stop fooling around. Im trying so hard to look at the bright side, im trying so hard to come up with some okay reasons why i didnt get what i wanted. It might be because allah wants to show me that i need to work harder. It might be because its not fit for me. It might be because im not ready for mrsm. It might because i would be more successful without going there. Even though i know it was more of because i didnt do enough. Im a disappointment to not just everyone but myself as wel but i dont want to let it be like that forever. I cant let myself be a disappointment to everyone especially not my parents. My parents would have thought id make it wouldnt they. I wonder how theyll feel. Would they be more upset than i am? I guess? I dont even know what to say or what to do anymore. I guess ill just have to just accept the reality and move on. I mean, its what everyone would do when life turns them down right? They cant do anything else, theyre stuck at the moment of disappointment while merely travelling forward in time. Im gonna just do that, with a lot of efforts that would prolly make a difference to my future life, and ill just see when the time comes, what my future holds? Its not that i dont want to live a life with no ups and downs, i want to but i want the ups to be the the final of my life. And this is not the end of my life, not yet. I wanna make living worth it,