love, romance, and the lot

“youre such a prude!”

jk what was said to me was

“omg you ni sangatlaaaa innocent!”

upon hearing that ive never had a boyfriend before. i disagree, but thats not the point. anis is trying to matchmake me with his friend who is interested. and now im reminded of why i am still single. it takes too much effort, but maybe thats bc hes not the right person? i dont know, its too early to tell yet thats the only thing i could think about ever since she called me up to ask if i would like to get to know her friend. i started off feeling indifferent and now im probably overthinking about it more than the person who was interested in the first place. this note is proof. i cant ever be nonchalant about this icky sappy romantic stuff. i feel like im either trying too hard or not enough, and when the other loses interest its always my fault. i always blame it on me. it doesnt matter if i was not that into them or if it started off as just me “giving him a chance”, because once it starts its all i can think about and im always worried about them not liking me anymore. i would drive myself a little crazy waiting for the never coming or late texts, i would constantly feel like i could be prettier than this. its sickening. truth is, its easy to make the relationship stick. the guy just needs to be more interested in me. more into me. on a second thought… u know what. honestly theres no rule, its just my mind spiralling and attempting to find meanings in the littlest acts. to find a reason as to why my chat was left opened. a reason for them only looking for me when its almost bedtime. a reason for every petty response, every slight change in tone, in behaviour, in eye contact frequency. in all these superficial interactions. my mind is playing tricks on me, no, syaitan is. and i let it. i wont let it this time. i will stay true to myself, my purpose, my peace. i will guard my peace, my connection with God, my true calling, my purpose. i will not let something as petty take up such significant mental and emotional space, not something like this, not when i have a much bigger issue to care for (my relationship with God and this ever fluctuating nature of my iman as of late, this back and forth of being God conscious and drowning in dunya). so anis, thank you for the matchmaking. now i will let God. this does not define me, this shall not be my life or my world. its easy to write this all down, compartmentalize. truth is, i am still thinking about this. and i havent even started dissecting on the halal haram of it all, the blessing in whats to come. how do i make it clear that im not looking for casual, neither is he i hope. but we are both busy working adults and the only way we can get to know each other is through late night texting of random questions and conversations. on weekdays that is. maybe i can do this in a better way, ill figure it out. maybe he will come to kl to meet up. i just want him to know that he doesnt need to try too hard to be somebody he thinks i would like/be attracted to, because i dont want feelings that arise from acts and artificial fronts. truthfully im not worried about this bc i can always tell if someone is being genuine or not. i hope i can be myself because thats what i want from him too. to be himself and let me decide whether hes right for me and vise versa. what i would like/be attracted to is nothing more than kindness, softness of heart, sincerity in loving me but first and foremost, loving God. because i realise this ups and downs of iman is a constant, and something i think about on the daily, something i need to work on constantly—until im buried six feet under, until my heart stops beating and blood stays stagnant, until the very deceiving nature of this dunya collapses, and like a blanket being lifted off my face, i will then realise just how fake everything was—and having a lifetime partner of the same value and struggle and one thats willing to take this hand and work on it together, on pleasing Allah as much as we are capable, reminding each other of our true purpose and absolute reality. there is no reality, only Allah.  everything else is a manifestation of His will—including our existence and naturally our soul tie if that is to happen, and all that we know of, all of it. everything—well, there is nothing to come out of this note. just me rambling, a somewhat futile attempt of trying to unpack these knots and thoughts in my heart and my mind, now that a man has entered my life, and my life is changing again.