i am actually so tired--of myself more than aything else.
2 May '25
realized something yesterday. no matter how hard uve tried to be on the right path, how consistent uve been, how persistent how steadfast — in the end you are still a mere weak human being who needs God ALL the time, every second every minute every breath u take every decision, because whos to say that you wont ever sin again.
18 May '25
too far gone i am. life is so full of temptations and God knows how tempting they r God knows me better than i do. need to be more conscious and fight against these empty feelings in passing. superficial, frivolous satisfaction
get out there, touch some grass, the real world is out there!!!!
19 May '25
tomorrow is Monday. i just hope i can get thru it with ease. also, wake up atiqah ure not 12 anymore
2 June '25
i dont know how much longer or deeper im gonna fall into this void but i cant keep up much longer. get back on my feet i must but i lack the strength i keep saying God help me but i am now finding that too repetitive & not thT im questioning my constant need of God but why am i not helping myself first. i suck so bad, God help me :(
4 June '25
free me, i am trapped in my own laziness (?) or is it just the lack of drive
21 June '25
even afyer u ve forgotten for so long
even after u have sinned and basked in ur ignorance
u are loved
because all u did was limp,
and He ran to meet u
maybe i want to say that i dont deserve this, but Allah’s mercy and His attributes are way beyond my comprehension, not of this world,
the dark whispers are telling me i dont deserve this
but i know His mercy prevails over His wrath and instead of saying i dont deserve this
i am grateful that my Lord is Most Merciful
22 June '25
change is accessible
there is one for every body
enough for u, no compromise to be made, your portion is not with someone else
we all have it, the potential
change is that unpacked luggage sitting in the corner after u come back from vacation
right there
its not change thats stopping u its procrastination
change has been opening its arms wide ready to embrace
but u like to put things off
ill unpack it as i go
30 June '25 #1
fight the shrugs sighs n discontent
at the slightest inconvenience, the fighting of ones innermost dark thoughts or the syaitans whispers
arent always in the huge losses, sickness or heartbreaks
checking of the heart
i need to do it often
am i afraid of displeasing God, or am i afraid of what people will say about me,
even though in the end i do the right thing
this heart needs constant checking still
we r so used to comfort we think its our right
but we forget these little annoyances were not without permisson
and nothing happens for no reason
30 June '25 #2
in the end i am still stuck as long as im in this dunya i am stuck but my legs will keep kicking out of this mess of a glue ive made between the soles of my feet n the unreal concrete because i need to be released relieved n rescued. i need out, continuous outs towards my Creator
30 July '25
but do my best? well tbh im not even sure where thisis going.
its difficult for me to not think about it bc its real and i dont want to hurt anyones feelings or even mine and i dont even know if i like him
theres no pressure here, just getting to know each other kan. then why does my heart race and my mind spin
26 Sept '25
the peace my heart feels every time i catch a glimpse of you
one of Allah’s mercies
to remind me of the possible peace
my TRUE POTENTIAL !!! im working on it God!!! HELP ME!!! to work on it
to reach my full potential 😔😔😔 so many distractions and so much white noise. but im beyond these noises, bc God does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear. bear bear 🐻 i can bear this. i just need God. i just need to return and return and return which is my lifes purpose anyway. to return.
29 Sept '25
grounding
im sure at this point its jusg the same thing over and over again
the same cycle of me slipping and returning, but the thing is, i only return when im in trouble, when i need help, when im down, thats when i panic and remember that i have been slipping away. im like a fish with a hook stuck in my throat and only when i stray too far do i realize just how painful life is. and so i return. or attempt to. i know God is ever so merciful and although i am doubting my sincerity and whatever this feeling is; i shall not lose hope in Allah and His guidance. my heart just feels so wmpty, and numb. and i feel like i am floating. unlike before. where i was so motivated and content and hopeful. now i am just drained and on autopilot 90% of the time. slip, return, zombie, happy? sad? upset? tired? i dont even know how to feel now. its all just foggy.
4 Oct '25
now im on the inside feeling everything
not being able to do anything about all these feelings surrounding me
i was on the outside guarding my peace
grounding myself reminding not to fall in too deep
im swimming back up to the surface, i can slowly see the light now
Allah make it easy for me
8 Oct '25
i am a broken record, a wheel that is much too aware of its perpetual state of spinning, a restless mind and an overworked body, a thing of a nightmare, right now i m not where i want to be, this is not how i want to feel and please God definitely dont let this be my end state
9 Oct '25
if its real, i'll stay. because right now, i just need to be protecting my peace a little harder than usual. i was already slipping and flailing and gasping for air, when u came along dragging me deeper into the water. u may have forgotten the taste of fresh air— may have been too comfortable in the water completely unaware of the absence of gills and the expiry date of your lungs but i have. i have tasted it and i cant afford to let it go. not again. not again. not deeper in. i cant afford to sink deeper
11 Oct '25
sometimes i just get too hyper aware of the little bubbles we are all living in. we get all excited following trends but who r we performing for? mostof us have had a targeted audience for what we r showcasing — in our own confined little bubbles. i come across strangers profiles from way across the world & im struck by the profound realisation that this person is living in their own reality in their own little bubble. everyone is. ive always known & realised it early on in my life that i need to constantly get out of this unreal world inside of me head— built by the chaos and impure noises accompanying my just as unreal life since the beginning of time—bcs there is an absolute reality out there. there is the truth. but this bubble is too encompassing and blinding, and its more like a balloon really, the walls are thicker than we thought. we may have noticed it before when it was just a mere thin layer of bubble matter, and really. what harm could a few more hours off the ground bring? a few more hours the walls start to thicken and taking shape of an elastic bouncy ball. its gonna take a lot more effort to break through, but a balloon is still a balloon. it can pop. wish me luck.
13 Oct '25
efleksi hari ini: alhamdulilah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah for all of Allah’s blessings and all of the times that I am reminded of His blessings, when I am reminded of him, the little tugs at my heart that pull me towards Him, for every redirection of my life’s purpose towards pleasing Him. none of these moments would exist if it werent for His mercy and so first and foremost. alhamdulillah for the Most Merciful Lord. He knows just what I need and what is best for me—and me? I know nothing at all.
15 Oct '25
mimosa pudica
God. i dint know what this is. but i have been feeling so so so numb and unmotivated lately. i am like on autopilot. i worked on the weekend tirelessly, and now i am just. so drained. and i cant even be excited for korea. i cant even think straight. i am just too numb and ive been overthinking about a lot of things, avoided so many people. and i know the cure for this. i just need to get closer to You. i just need to return and return and return. but all of these noises are too loud and numbing, and i am floating with my face down drowning even i cant get back up i cant stop my bad hahits i cant think straight i cant focus because its all over the place. ya Allah please help me
1 Nov '25
9 Nov '25
she still loves the beach, food, art, animals
not much has changed yet a great deal of things are different
she wishes time could stop for a while
could wait until shes ready to be back on her feet again
until she finds her Lord and herself again
she needs growth yet she cant move
she had lost herself countless of times before
this time hits harder because she promised she wasnt going away <\3