patience

why couldnt i see? i was ready to end it all multiple times; each time ur patience held me back together. i never understood how or why you could love me or i never understood how u were so quick to say those three words that i doubted so many times. i still remember the drop in my stomach when i heard u say it for the first time. i pretended to be asleep but those words kept me up all night. it didnt feel wrong, but somehow i couldnt say a word. 

“just a meaningless phrase”

“not seen in actions”

not seen; or was i simply just too blind?

i had never understood until now how it was always about me. i made it all about me. me. my feelings. my hurt. my pain. my happiness. me. me. me. but i never took one second to think about you. did i not see—in those moments, when u still stayed and tried, what was that if not love?

in those moments of rage, darkness that i felt so alone, even when u were right there, i refused to see you reaching out the best way you knew how

u can only do so much. hold ur hand out to me for so many times. took all those daggers and words that only u could know the pain of, coming from someone u love

love

i guess i was never really loved like this. its taken me some time to realise this. but the three meaningless words i thought came from u were never from u

they were from me

i said it because u said it. hoping each time that it would become a prayer come true. i never really meant it fully or understood them until now. until uve shown me what it means to love, not once, not twice, but every. single. time that i needed it but failed to acknowledge your sincerity 

the perfect person doesnt exist. but none comes close to u. the way u try again and again, in the cluelessness of my emotions and hormones and big feelings

why couldnt i see that? thats love. its patience. selflessness. its u trying your best; its not me pushing it aside and refusing to see. its not me expecting for perfection and a complete readiness. its not me not even trying. its not me pushing u away because i thought u could be better. I could be better. we could all be better. but what i failed to realise was how you were there for me at your best, no matter how i pushed u away and pushed us away. u wouldnt let us budge. u wouldnt let me budge. its not merely u being scared of losing me, its love. patience. not an ounce of ego. not a drop of bad blood. not expecting anything in return. not a sliver of giving up. even when u didnt know what to do or what to say. u were always. always. the patient one. the one who would stay. hold me together. soften my heart. u never blamed me, never became defensive even though u could rightfully be so

i know now it can never always just be about me. im sorry for all the times i demanded so much of u without a care for how u might feel. without ur feelings in mind. im sorry for the times i asked for the imposible. when i asked for perfection when i myself am far from it. when i treated u like a robot who could only cater to my feelings. for the times my ego took precedence and i didnt even realise how my words could have affected you. 

i didn’t love the person that i was NOT because of u. never because of what we have. i regret those words so much. it was never your fault. you could never make me hate myself. only me, my actions and my feelings are the reasons for what i feel about myself and my own journey. the person that i am can never be due to the things out of my control. that wouldnt be fair. the fact of the matter is —i was the one with excuses. i wasnt strong enough but ive learnt that I CAN be strong for someone i love. i learnt that from you. and God does not burden me with something my soul cant handle. its a blessing, everything can be a blessing, and you, my love, are the most unexpected blessing in my life 

im still trying to learn and grow and become better. no other persons behaviour or actions could be the reason for my own downfall. i am responsible for the person that i am. not you. not anyone. i’ve understood it now that you are just another person of your own. with your own responsibility for your actions and behaviour and none of what u do could be the reason for mine. thats just not how life works. 

kubur masing masing. 

was what my mom told me. if only id realised that sooner. i will still grow and try to become the person that i want to be. the one pleasing to God and others. and u have no idea how in this short span of time knowing u; u have no idea how much ive learnt from u

about patience. love. kindness. gentleness. strength. perseverance. selflessness. effort. 

about love. 

you are all that. and more. 

and i truly truly love you. i pray we never give up on each other, continue to grow as individuals and together as partners. i want you to know that you are enough for me. ive chosen u as my person and i couldnt ask for better. u are enough and so much more. i admire and adore you so much and i hope you can always forgive me for all the times ive hurt u; all the times that i will probably hurt you again; i will try my best to be better. not just for you. but for me and God. for the person that i want to become. i pray the same for you

i dont know what this is gonna read like to u. but im telling u one thing. that is—u are the reason that ive unlocked another big life lesson for my personal growth. a reason for me to learn what love actually is. and that means so much to me. u mean so much to me. 

i never want to be the reason for your pain and hardships. you are my peace and i wish to be the same for you.

---

Older posts →