Often times, I find myself losing track of life's purpose, leaving myself empty and lost even though I know what is causing it. I've strayed further and further away from God. And often times, it takes great motivation and drive to force myself back onto the right path and acknowledging the purpose of my life in this world. It's not that I don't know why I am feeling this way, empty, unmotivated, lost, purposeless. Somehow it's just SO HARD to get back on track. So every day, I've been forcing myself to watch some islamic videos even though dare I say, most of the times, I don't even feel like it. I'm just so scared that if I ignore my inner conflict and the emptiness that I'm feeling, I may never get back to the state of mind that I was in before, I'm afraid that I would forget God, my true purpose in life, my goals. I'm afraid of straying further than I already am. Even with no motivation in myself, I look forward to our weekly usrah just so I'm reminded of the truth of life. Islam is the truth, God's way is the truth, none of these wordly things would ever matter. None. In the end, we will all return to our one God, Allah. You know, I always pray that I would die in imaan, that when I die, that is when my imaan is at its peak, its highest. Because all my life, it has been a struggle for me to maintain a steady imaan. I know, it's the same for pretty much everybody. Our imaan is always fluctuating, and that is why I know it is possible that I'd lose track again after I'm sure that I'm on God's path (hopefully). Just like this year, I was doing so well for the past few months, now this is going a little personal, but i was doing so well and I could feel it, peace in my heart, i had a purpose, i was motivated, productive, conscious, now I'm just like a living dead. It's so tiring being so unmotivated you know, last night before I went to bed, it just slipped from my mouth, and I told Allah. I told Him, to give me another chance. I could die in my sleep, that sleep could have been my last, it could be my end, no one knows. I knew I've strayed so much up to that point, and if I died right then, I would not have died in the best imaan and I knew that. So I said, 

Ya Allah, please give me another chance. I still want to try, forgive me for not trying my hardest, for letting myself lose to shaaytan this past few weeks but I don't want to die yet. Please ease it for me. 

I woke up alive, and well. Well, I know damn well that when it really is my time to die, there won't be another chance. It would be the end. I just don't want my end to be when I'm like this. Today was a rather gloomy day, it has been raining so hard since morning, and it's freezing, it gives me a chance to be alone with my thoughts in my room, and for some reason, i dont know how to explain it, but I don't feel like im truly lost after all, I was rather productive today, I did my school work, watched some motivating islamic videos on my own will, hadn't listened to any music (ill be honest i listened to bts' new song this morning just bc i was curious and my sister had asked me to but i didnt enjoy it), ate very moderately, and im feeling content. I would not say that this is the best feeling I've ever felt, but it feels like I'm starting to be on the right path again, like Allah has eased it for me. 

All this while, as I was trying my hardest to get back on track while being distracted by a lot of worldly things like music and wordly entertainment, Ive just realised that I never really made a duaa to Allah to ease it for me. No matter how tired I got, I didn't make that duaa, I was distant. But last night, even though I was still distant from Him and I could feel it, I think I was desperate, it just hit me, that, having feeling all this due to being distant from him, having realising that I was astray, how blessed was I that Allah made me feel those things? I think I never made that duaa because I felt like if I did, but never made the effort to get back on track, it would be useless, that would just make me lazy. Truth is, it is never wrong to make duaa, to desperately call out to Allah, to complain to Him, to beg Him, He is my creator after all. He knows what's inside of my heart and all my struggle and my inner conflicts and you know what, in the end I knew that I needed Him. I thank Allah for letting me feel all those things, and for making it easy for me. It has been overwhelming, still a little is, but I think it's not as bad as before. I will continue reminding myself of my purpose in life, and making duaa to Him all the time, because I know I need Him.