i've had my phone on do not disturb for days, ive rarely been using it despite it being the only mode of communication with family back home. I've missed a few calls, not deliberately, but my phone doesn't ring so i don't notice. i started putting it on silent bc i wanted to save my battery, but i got distant, and never bothered to turn the crescent sign back off, to call anyone back,

i find it difficult. too much effort, too much forethought for my cloudy and tangled mind. 

ive lost myself again, haven't i. 

aah its difficult to explain, has it always been so energy intensive? to keep up with the world, to keep communicating, or have i truly lost it, all the motivation and sanity to be a decently working human. i think im broken. im stuck in the one place i loathe the most, my mind. i hate it. but getting out of it requires too much energy which i dont possess anymore, i cant remember exactly when it happened, probably around the time i was bombarded with the most assignments lmao not surprising at all. 

its so crazy, funny almost, how these thoughts will never ever truly leave me for good. i can never be truly okay, i long for repose but ive learnt that it was not meant for me, not in this world at least. im tired of it, of being tired, of my mind constantly descending into darkness. i keep going astray, and to whom shall i turn to when my mind isnt being kind to me? on whom shall i rely when i cant even trust myself. Lord, only to You, i know. only on You. i cant keep doing this, i dont know what else i should do, i dont know why im always feeling empty, no matter how hard i try, no matter how many times i have to deceive myself, no matter.

was i always meant for this world? am i just making excuses for being weak, am i a spoiled brat who refuses to be at peace? am i doing this on purpose???????? maybe i am just a brat, wouldnt surprise me.

yesterday i finally read all the whatsapp messages in the family group chat, i finally saw all the pictures my family sent me, gosh how i long to be with them, i find it so tiresome that i have convinced myself that i can only be happy when im with family but even so, why have i intentionally kept myself distant from them ? and i found out that it only took 1 missed call for me to be forgotten. hahah shut up, atiqah, ure sick.  

i dont know, i hate myself for feeling this way. i hope i get better someday, truly, i hope i get better and these thoughts never come back. i should call my family.