Athiken

no longer here

Friday, 15 April 2022 | April 15, 2022 |

tonight im just an emotional wreck. its 2022 and we can merely go forward from here, theres no going back, no matter how deeply u long for the warmth & comfort of the old times, of your carefree childhood days, of those happy, always smiling, no incomplete family members days, :( i was just browsing thru old photos which i have been doing a lot lately (by a lot i mean an unhealthy amount), and theres really no words out there to describe the despair that i get from it, its such?? a ?? powerless feeling, not being able to relive those days, u cant get them back, they can only get farther and farther, and soon enough ull even forget about them, which i suppose is whats supposed to happen naturally, for good reasons, as ive learnt, for having those photos around– to keep reminding me of what a life ive had, and how happy we were, how happy i was– is probably the worse option. and its not like im upset now, but its different. i miss those days when everyone was always home, we were always together.

and today, its just ma, aisyah and yan at home. dad is all the way across the world for work, len and ain have gotten married and moved out of the house, min is in form 4???? i could have sworn she just turned 12 last year. & i am in aussie for my studies (soon ill get a job, i probably wont live with my parents for much longer even after I graduate, idk, time will tell, but time, im not exactly a fan of it at the moment, it really doesnt wait for anyone, and yes, time will tell, but i can only get older, thats for certain),,, and i cant even do anything about it. im powerless, and life just keeps going. until i die, and then everyone around me, then all my life would have felt like such a short time, a mere blink of an eye, poof. i am now 6 feet underground. then as time keeps going as it always does, there will be a point where i am remembered no longer, one point in time where someone i know will think of me for the last time, thats when i truly cease to exist

its funny, like a joke almost. its scary. im scared, but when am i not? im always either sad or scared, and when im happy, i get scared again, because of how volatile and fleeting that happiness is, its dunya we're talking about, nothing is permanent, and if it doesnt come from God, it will only make me lose focus, and so being scared is rational, its how i should be.

why is everything so complicated?

and no matter what im feeling, what my issue is, it never fails to end up this way, of me really delving deep into my purpose of life, but gah, how foolish of me to only be able to reflect on life on days that are painted blue.