i anticipate that this would be a long post, since i do tend to word vomit whenever i am overwhelmed and to say that i am at this moment would honestly be an understatement. a lot of things have happened for the past month, a lot of new things for me, really. i guess with everything thats been happening and with my inability to really control things around me, i broke down again last night. i have never felt so helpless but last night as i lay in bed, everything all at once just came gushing over me. i realized how i am just like a little boat floating in a big sea, whereas most of my life its calm, there are and will be days where ill be pushed around by the waves of life unable to really stop myself to breathe, where i am as helpless as a baby. no matter how happy things seem to me, how great my life seemingly is, my mind keeps gravitating towards the darker ends, where i am primarily numb, and i am greatly washed by this helpless feeling again, like a little boat with no control over my life. i saw a video of mizz nina the other day, she said something along the lines of how as a believer, there is always something happening to us, always. there is not a single thing that happens to us for no reason at all, Allah is always trying to teach us something, to help us grow into a better muslim depending on how we react to it. even in the quran itself, Allah asks if we think we would be left alone once we say "we believe" without being tested? life is always testing us, but like a little boat, i am sometimes lost and forget how big the sea is, not just the sea, the earth really, the winds that govern every motion, ripple, wave of the deep sea, the moon even, that pulls the tide with its gravity, the world is so vast out there, and i am but a little boat. i cried because i just felt so numb and overwhelmed by the vastness of the universe that keeps pushing me around when i am already on the verge of giving up on holding back its push, on standing strong because i am done. i cried because i hate how i choose to not do anything about it, i cried because i realized how i always choose to just let it be, i am okay with life "pushing" me around without me really stopping to think "what is life teaching me?"

most times i just shrug it off, because as a little boat boat, i feel it futile to keep pushing in these unforgiving waves. i cried because i realized how i am always okay with giving up when deep down i know i never should

for starters, i failed a subject which requires me to stay back and extend my course for another semester. when all my friends are graduating by the end of the year. when i saw my results its almost like i was numb, it felt too dazy or maybe i just didnt want to believe it so i pretended it wasnt real for a while. i just stared at the astounding "NH" in complete silence for a couple minutes before it started to hit me that this was just too stinky to not be real and i just started wailing like crazy my housemates probably didnt know what to do. i feel like i have never really failed anything in life and was never prepared for it..and having only myself to blame, everything is just too overwhelming and scary and going too fast

i need a break

but what can i do? its too late, just another moment of me letting myself drown in the waves of life. i guess eventually i stopped thinking, stopped feeling, stopped crying, stopped trying, i had no mental space for these, it was too much

i wanted 2022 to be different, i had visions, i was going to graduate, get prettier, find a boyfriend maybe, secure a job

BUT what did i get??? 2022 hasnt ended, but this past month has been bad enough i feel like its magitude could have been spread out no? ahaha but no, in just a couple weeks, i failed an exam, got my first heartbreak, stopped finding joy in the things i used to love, it feels like i have nothing to look forward to now

and why do i care so much, its life, its supposed to be full of trials, some like these i suppose

and i should be strong

it should teach me something

i should learn from it

i hope i do someday, because right now, i just wanna stop for a while. let the waves

it doesnt have to be this way, but the mental strength it takes to redirect the course of my life right now may just be out of my capability, at the moment, at least. i pray i can be stronger and more conscious, because, this too shall pass.

be strong, atiqah, everything is and will be alright