its 2:35 pm, started eating to procrastinate on work, now im writing this post to procrastinate on lunch

just another friday, but not one that hasnt been tugging at my heart since morning

specifically since alia gave me a call. its not our first call ever since we parted but i guess today im extra emotional. i have never said it since doing so would make it official and feel strange and would only make it harder for me, but now that i couldnt care less for reciprocation, im realizing that i might be missing chik teas more than i thought i would be, more than i could admit to;;;;

dreading, longing, im way out of my comfort zone - melbourne just feels less and less like home. though it has always occurred to me how out of place and alien this city is (to be fair in comparison to kl) and how i could never in a million years imagine it a place id want to reside & settle in, 

its not home

it is just worse without alia, anis and shida. 

its not home

its not just where i am literally, this foreignness not only sourced from the ever more strangeness of the city i now find myself quite alone in but also more from the phase of life im still stuck in whence all my peers are moving on into adulthood. this gap between us, its uncomfortable yet profound way of saying-

ure not where ure supposed to be

I imagine home is not just a place, but also a state of being, of existing, a phase of life even

im not home

home is where my loved ones are, not just literally but also figuratively, where i am does not feel like home. its strange, isolating, restless. madness. i guess i am just homesick, and somehow have managed to complicate my feelings yet again. adiossssssssssss